Taking is giving? As I rolled out of bed this morning I wondered, why am torturing myself by waking up at 7:00 in the morning to go learn? I know one thing, I definitely don't enjoy learning this much.
This morning was especially difficult getting up since I was working at Hasc for Shabbos and only got home after 1:30 AM. This was my first time ever going to work by train. Going to work Friday wasn't to bad, but coming home last night would have been such a pain taking the train. I couldn't bring myself to ask someone to pick me up, thank G-d I have a friend who seems to be telepathic. He called me and said "I'm picking you up, what time do you finish work"? I was pleasantly surprised, but hating to take favors from people I said"at 11:00", then asked "but are you sure you don't mind"? And of course totally ignoring my question he replied " I'll see you at 11:00".
Is it a problem that I have issue with asking people for favors? Shouldn't I feel comfortable asking people that love and care me for things I need? Aren't relationships about giving and taking? Ok, I'll give you that true love is all about giving of yourself completely for the other, but in a real practical relationship in addition to giving, you must have the ability to take the others love as well, because both sides have to be able to give for the relationship to flourish.
I don't bother opening my blinds in the morning. The sight of my neighbors living room isn't the energy booster I'm looking for to begin my day.So it was only when I came downstairs that I became aware of last nights snowfall. I was elated, the first snow of the year and I had woken up early enough to get to see it while it was still white, before it would turn black and slushy from of the merciless trampling by the throngs of people that live in this great city.
My walk to Eastern Parkway took over 25 minutes, the best 25 minutes of the month. Fresh snow has the power to completely clear my mind and lift my spirits better then anything I can imagine (besides for maybe- laying in a hammock by a beach on an exotic island shaded by the palm tree leaves with a tray of ice cold lemonade always being refilled standing in arms reach and my beautiful wife sitting right beside me playing the harp - maybe).
It was on my walk in the silence of the snow that I had my epiphany.
True, giving and receiving is what makes the world spin round. Notice the difference in terminology? Now I used receiving and before it was taking. The word 'taking' connotes taking something by force or not necessarily with the others consent. On the other hand the word 'receiving' implies taking something that is offered.
Therein lays the answer to my query, the quelling of my concerns. The fact that I have trouble asking people for things, yet have no trouble in taking them once offered is in fact a commendable trait.
All too often a demand or even an expectation from another is where the breakdown of relationships begin. Every person has a different character makeup. What may seem easy for you may be difficult for another and vice-a-visa. It's when we hold other people up to the same standards we hold for ourselves that the trouble starts a brewing. Because the fact is we'll forgive ourselves a lot quicker then we'd be willing to forgive another.
True we have too be able to take, but we must only take as much as the other is willing to offer.
Heal the world.
posted by vintage jeans @ 9:44 AM
6 comments
6 Comments:
You mention that True love is all about giving of yourself and in a practical relationship you have to be able to take. Even in a loving relationship you also have to be a receiver. If both people are constantly giving there is going to be noone to receive what is being given. Unless you marry someone who is very needy and has nothing to give you also need to be able to recieve. Receiving is also an act of giving, it is giving the other person the satisfaction of giving.
You also mention only taking as much as the other person is willing to offer. This is a very selfish level of giving, it is not about the receiver it is about the giver and whatever works for them. Maybe it is true that among people who you have no relationship with you should only take as much as they are willing to offer, because they have no reason to care about you and go out of their way for you. However, with people who care about you and are close with you the giving should be about you and what you need, not what is convenient for them, that is not true giving.
On your first point you seem to have conveniently skipped a line I wrote.
"True, giving and receiving is what makes the world spin round."
I presume that it's obvious you need both aspects in a relationship, for that reason I don't dwell on it.
On the second you describe your dismay at my outlook on giving.
"However, with people who care about you and are close with you the giving should be about you and what you need, not what is convenient for them, that is not true giving."
The post is describing my way of seeing things, as the receiver. The way the giver feels or acts, is not under my control, nor would I want to control it. The entire point of the post is that once you start telling yourself what it is YOU deserve, that’s when trouble begins.
This is why I state "we must only take as much as the other is willing to offer."
Anonymous, in the future please choose any name to sign with.
nice post.. there is a "to" in there that should be a "too" let's see who can find it first and you can win a free ipod nano (if you find the "to" and click on one of those "free nano" banners on drudge - maybe if you can hit that duck you'll get it)
I think everyone has this problem in some degree.. It's hard to find the in between.. some people just ask ask ask for help or hint hint hint for things.. they don't know their limits.. they don't think about the giver..
so we gotta find something in between..
anyway glad you didn't have to take the train ;-)
I did not skip any lines. I was commenting on the fact that you seemed to be making a distinction between true love and other relationships. You said "Aren't relationships about giving and taking? Ok, I'll give you that true love is all about giving of yourself completely for the other..." You made it seem that specifically within a loving relationship it is only about giving. Apparently, it was just a misunderstanding and we seem to be saying the same thing in different words, like always. I do not mean to criticize, I just like to analyze in order to get a better understanding of things.
About my second point; it is true that from the receivers point of view it is a little different and you cannot expect things. However, like Manhattan Spelling mentioned you can not know how much the other person is willing to offer unless you ask. You obviously should only ask things that are within reason; however, like you said everyone has different ideas of whats reasonable, therefore you cannot know unless you ask. You should feel that you can ask favors of people, especially of people that care about you. If it is too hard for them they should be able to say no.
Let's say for example that you are my friend and are close with my family. Would it be unreasonable of me to ask you to pick up my sister from the airport tonight? Let's say it is pretty early, around 8:00, you may be able to get a car and have nothing else to do. How am I supposed to know whether you think it would be asking too much and if it would be a huge deal? If it is too hard for you, you should say no. It is not about what I deserve (besides the fact that it is for my sister) it is just something that would be nice if it is not too much trouble.
P.S. Choosing a name kinda defeats the purpose of anonymity. If I keep on switching my name then I will be truly anonymous.
Manhattan, I think you're right on target; it's almost always about keeping that balance, balanced.
Any yes the train would have been pretty crappy. Did I forget to mention I also got to have dinner with my friend...
Ano, lol I hear ya. Point taken. Comunicationo numbero uno!
P.S. I don’t prefer you make up a name to prevent you from being anonymous. You may choose any name you wish that has no connection to you in real life, but this way if dialogue reoccurs we have points of reference.
Hey Vintage, Glad we are clear;you may have trouble receiving but you pull through as the giver.
P.S. Using Anonymous is still a point of reference. I kinda like Ano though, thats cute, I think I'll use it.
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