I lack intimacy

I don’t make such a claim because of the fact that I’m a single guy and have never been intimate with a woman. I’m not referring to sexual intimacy. I’m referring to the feeling and state of intimacy which is in every single person’s hands.

I’m referring to prayer.

Every person can pray, most people do, but the vast majority of people don't get out of prayer the potential that prayer has within, to transform them, to help them evolve into the G-dly beings they inherently are.

I personally have been struggling with proper prayer for what seems like my entire life. It’s always the same; at the beginning of Shmonah Esrei I say to myself, “Today I’m going to have kavanah on my davening, at least the translation of the words”. I start, Blessed are you, Lord our G-d and G-d of our fathers, G-d of Avraham, G-d of Yitzchok and G-d of Yakkov… When I space back in I’m usually holding by Seem Shalom at the end of Shmonah Esrei.

I know I’m not the only one and I know it’s almost expected.

There’s a cute story of a chossid of the Rebbe Rashab who had an impending court date regarding certain claims his landlord had made against him. He came into the Rebbe for yechidus, hoping to get some legal advice from him. He began discussing the case with the Rebbe and he asked, “what if my landlord says such and such, how should I respond”? So the Rebbe told him what to say. He asked him about another possible scenario and the Rebbe again advises him what to say. The dialogue continued in the same vein with him asking and the Rebbe responding with appropriate advice. After this went on for a while the Rebbe interrupted him and said, “There's no need to worry so much. Unlike you, the Poretz doesn’t daven Shmonah Esrei 3 times a day.”

Prayer is an integral part of the teachings of Chassidus; it seems unfortunate then that prayer is never taught as part of the education curriculum, in schools which were founded on the teachings of Chassidus. I actually approached a number of the spiritual leaders in our community, both in Brooklyn and abroad and inquired as to why they don’t teach us how to daven. I asked, “Why is it that you’ll teach us a maimer about what we should meditate on during tefilah, but you never teach us what meditation is all about”? It’s usually the same response, a smile, a rub on the cheek and a comment along the lines of, “You know Vintage, you have a very sensitive neshama”.

Am I mentally handicapped? Because that’s the way we were taught to respond to the guys we work with at HASC.

I used learn with one of my chavrusas in Hadar Hatorah. Hadar Hatorah is a school for Balei Teshuvah; most of them pretty fresh BTs. People always asked me why I would learn there instead of in 770 (supposedly learning in 770 is better for Shiduchim, something I have trouble believing). I would always answer that the energy that the guys are infused with over there is so powerful it can give me strength for the entire day (and it isn’t as noisy as 770).
One day I was sitting in the Yeshivah learning and there was a guy standing next to me finishing his davening. It seems like he had just taken on the resolution to put on a second pair of Tefilin every day and today was his first day of putting on Rabeinu Tams Tefilin and he was especially flying. He finished davening and started taking off his Tefilin, he has a huge smile on his face, the kind of face a father has seeing his firstborn for the first time.
He calls out to one of the Rabbi's who was sitting by the next table, he says, “Rabbi, did you hear the story with the chossid (pronounced Chaseed) and the Rebbe (pronounced rebee)”? Without waiting for a response he starts telling the story. “A chossid went into the Rebbe for a meeting. He say’s “Rebbe, I don’t feel like a Chossid, I go to the mikvah, I learn Chassidus, I daven, I try to act like a Chossid, but I just don’t feel like one”. And the Rebbe answered him, “if you want to feel like a chossid, look inside the siddur when you daven”.” “You hear that Rabbi”? He finished. “The Rebbe said you have to know what your praying if you want to feel like a chossid. It’s incredible”.

Prayer is what should make us care. Prayer is where our relationship with our creator is at its most intimate setting. Its you, him and nothing else.
I lack intimacy.