The journey continues

I arrived, I'm in my room and I've got internet! Galvan the neighbor was nice enough to leave his network unsecured.

My original plan was to stop this blog and continue posting on the new blog I created. The new blog was going to be a picture journal of my activities here in San Diego, but the camera I had ordered before I left turned out to be from a refurbished website and I canceled the order before I left. If anybody knows of any good deals on a digital camera please post it in the comments.
I'm excited to be back. In truth there's a rush of emotions, but with them all there's an underlying apprehension, a nervousness of what's going to be? Where will this all lead?

I started making a basic schedule of things I would like to accomplish while I'm here, nothing major just small things to add a little structure to my day. I'm sure the Rabbi will be keeping me busy, he has 30 years of shlichus experience, he knows how to ask in a way where people can't say no. I feel that it's important though to have some things that will be my primary focus to make sure that I do every day so that I know I'll be leaving here with something.
I'll write it out tomorrow, my eyes are closing.
Shout out to the two gentle spirits. ;-)

Actions speak louder then words

What's your dependency?
I think its been a week.

The blind leading the blind

This weekend being my last Shabbos in NY, was also my last Shabbos working at HASC. I've been working there for nearly a year now and the fact that I don't know when, or if I'll be coming back made it all the more difficult leaving tonight. Besides for the obvious benefits gained with being involved in such work, working with the guys has enriched my life in smaller ways as well; I've learned to appreciate the finer things, the more subtle things in life and I'm going to miss that bi-weekly injection I've begun to take for granted.

On Motzei Shabbos it's up to the D.C.C (Direct Care counselor) to decide on what activity he'd like to do with guys for the evening. I wasn't sure where I wanted to take the guys, since it was so cold the options were more limited. I could take them to Manhattan, Times Square always keeps them well occupied and would distract them from the bitter cold, but I had too many wanderers tonight and couldn't take the chance in the big city. The parks would never work in this weather and I had no idea what to do with them.

I figured, we would just leave and hopefully I'll think of something as I'm driving around. We were driving in the van and I looked behind me to see how the guys were doing. They all looked content, rocking their heads back and forth with the rhythm of the music, excited that they were out on an outing. Little did they know that, I, the one who arranges their trip had no idea where we were headed, it didn't even occur to them, after all as their counselor I had to know where we were going. I laughed to myself, while silently thanking G-d for their naivety and innocence.

As I continued driving it dawned on me, am I really that different? I do the same thing.
How many times in life has it occurred that a dream, or a hopeful vision once acquired turned out to be nothing of what was expected? My imagination has still not run dry and I would never stop dreaming.
How many times have you gone to people seeking advice and guidance and by the time the conversation was over, the tables had turned and the student had become the mentor (I'm not referring to friends, but to people who's roles are to be leaders)? I keep returning to these same people in times of trouble.
How many times have people come to you hoping for some extra strength, at a point in your life when you yourself are halfway off the cliff? That never stopped me from trying to help.
We're no different, we too follow people or things without knowing the final destination or if this is the correct path leading towards it.

Coming out of Toys 'R Us with 6 giddy happy guys in tow, still excited by all the toys and games (and dolls) they had seen and got to play with, I realized it's not always about the vision. Even when life is not completely mapped out, you have to chug on, you can't be afraid, because things usually do end up ok. Planning and foresight is encouraged and expected and although things won't always turn out as you planned, it still remains, as G-ds plan.

Blind following the blind?

I don’t think so. There's a divine map to the world, perfect vision.

I lack intimacy

I don’t make such a claim because of the fact that I’m a single guy and have never been intimate with a woman. I’m not referring to sexual intimacy. I’m referring to the feeling and state of intimacy which is in every single person’s hands.

I’m referring to prayer.

Every person can pray, most people do, but the vast majority of people don't get out of prayer the potential that prayer has within, to transform them, to help them evolve into the G-dly beings they inherently are.

I personally have been struggling with proper prayer for what seems like my entire life. It’s always the same; at the beginning of Shmonah Esrei I say to myself, “Today I’m going to have kavanah on my davening, at least the translation of the words”. I start, Blessed are you, Lord our G-d and G-d of our fathers, G-d of Avraham, G-d of Yitzchok and G-d of Yakkov… When I space back in I’m usually holding by Seem Shalom at the end of Shmonah Esrei.

I know I’m not the only one and I know it’s almost expected.

There’s a cute story of a chossid of the Rebbe Rashab who had an impending court date regarding certain claims his landlord had made against him. He came into the Rebbe for yechidus, hoping to get some legal advice from him. He began discussing the case with the Rebbe and he asked, “what if my landlord says such and such, how should I respond”? So the Rebbe told him what to say. He asked him about another possible scenario and the Rebbe again advises him what to say. The dialogue continued in the same vein with him asking and the Rebbe responding with appropriate advice. After this went on for a while the Rebbe interrupted him and said, “There's no need to worry so much. Unlike you, the Poretz doesn’t daven Shmonah Esrei 3 times a day.”

Prayer is an integral part of the teachings of Chassidus; it seems unfortunate then that prayer is never taught as part of the education curriculum, in schools which were founded on the teachings of Chassidus. I actually approached a number of the spiritual leaders in our community, both in Brooklyn and abroad and inquired as to why they don’t teach us how to daven. I asked, “Why is it that you’ll teach us a maimer about what we should meditate on during tefilah, but you never teach us what meditation is all about”? It’s usually the same response, a smile, a rub on the cheek and a comment along the lines of, “You know Vintage, you have a very sensitive neshama”.

Am I mentally handicapped? Because that’s the way we were taught to respond to the guys we work with at HASC.

I used learn with one of my chavrusas in Hadar Hatorah. Hadar Hatorah is a school for Balei Teshuvah; most of them pretty fresh BTs. People always asked me why I would learn there instead of in 770 (supposedly learning in 770 is better for Shiduchim, something I have trouble believing). I would always answer that the energy that the guys are infused with over there is so powerful it can give me strength for the entire day (and it isn’t as noisy as 770).
One day I was sitting in the Yeshivah learning and there was a guy standing next to me finishing his davening. It seems like he had just taken on the resolution to put on a second pair of Tefilin every day and today was his first day of putting on Rabeinu Tams Tefilin and he was especially flying. He finished davening and started taking off his Tefilin, he has a huge smile on his face, the kind of face a father has seeing his firstborn for the first time.
He calls out to one of the Rabbi's who was sitting by the next table, he says, “Rabbi, did you hear the story with the chossid (pronounced Chaseed) and the Rebbe (pronounced rebee)”? Without waiting for a response he starts telling the story. “A chossid went into the Rebbe for a meeting. He say’s “Rebbe, I don’t feel like a Chossid, I go to the mikvah, I learn Chassidus, I daven, I try to act like a Chossid, but I just don’t feel like one”. And the Rebbe answered him, “if you want to feel like a chossid, look inside the siddur when you daven”.” “You hear that Rabbi”? He finished. “The Rebbe said you have to know what your praying if you want to feel like a chossid. It’s incredible”.

Prayer is what should make us care. Prayer is where our relationship with our creator is at its most intimate setting. Its you, him and nothing else.
I lack intimacy.

Is it just me?

schoolgirl said...
why r u leaving????? we're gonna miss you here. btw, I think if ud get a job u wouldnt feel like u have to get anywhre (you wouldnt be so bored). and i say that in the nicest way possible.
vintage jeans said...
I would have gotten a job except I can't see myself doing a 9 to 5 that has no future in it. My goal and aspiration is to one day become a shliach. The thing that would make the most sense for me to do would be working in something which would help me to reach and achieve that goal. That's why it made the most sense for me to come home where I would be able to, 1) study and learn- every Rabbi has to be well versed, 2) help a Shliach in the area- giving me experience and doing something that I enjoy and 3) date- before you settle down it is-I think- best to do it with a partner.
The sad facts are, learning is very difficult to do at my age, especially when your the only one in your social circle interested in it. It's a lot harder to get a decent job at a decent Shliach in the New York area then I had imagined. Basically my life has come down to me waiting to get hitched, a very sad state to live in, don't you think? In short that's the main reason why I didn't get a job and why I'm getting out of here. We'll discuss it in more detail in person.
Is there anybody out there who can relate to what I'm talking about? I can't be the only one experiencing this struggle. I may not be a product of the system, but I'm certainly a byproduct and the system does assist in creating the issue.
I don't feel that I'm fully articulating my thoughts, my keyboard is broken and I have to type with my On-screen keyboard.

"He who has a why to live, can bear with almost any how."

-Nietzsche

"He who has a why to leave, can bear with almost any how."

-Vintage Jeans

The decision has been made. I'm going. I still haven't decided on a place, but within 3 weeks I'm leaving New York. Anybody have any good ideas where to go?

Whats your favorite place in the world?

Are you in touch with your feminine side?

Youths demise as expressed by my favorite berries.

Unhappiness, where's when I was young, and we didn't give a damn. 'Cause we were raised to see life as fun and take it if we can.

Understand what I've become, it wasn't my design. And people ev'rywhere think, something better than I am. But I miss you, I miss, 'cause I liked it, 'Cause I liked it, when I was out there. Do you know this? Do you know you did not find me. You did not find. Does anyone care?

You can't accuse me of not trying. I think I may be running away to Israel one of these days, or maybe Jamaica.

Out of darkness comes light...

Daardie een is groot shofar!